Wafaoon ke deep sab

[Hussain76]

Salam Sathyo
aik ghazal ke sath hazir hoon umeed hay pasand karo gay.

[Z.]

Re: Wafaoon ke deep sab

bohot khoob :thmbup:

[SherAli]

Re: Wafaoon ke deep sab

salaam Hussain saaHib,

aapkii Ghazal nazar-navaaz huii. aapne jiddat-e-Khayaal se to kaam liyaa magar aap kii giraft se Ghazal kii bunyadii Khawaas kii baag-Dor nikal gayii. aapke andar salaaHiyat-e-she'r goii nazar aayii hai magar meraa dostaana mashwarah hai k abhii aap saadaa andaaz e bayaan aur zabaan apnaaye...jab mahaarat Haasil ho jaaye to aage qadam baRhaaiye.

aapkii is Ghazal meN mujhe bahr, zabaan, bayaan, aur Khayaal ke maasaa'il dar-pesh nazar aaye. neez, aapke as'aar meN rabt-e-baaham [continuity of thought] kaa foqdaan nazar aayaa. maiN chand ek kamiyoN kii taraf ishaara kar rahaa huN:

bhaag-e-baadshaahii nikammoN ke haath lagii

mujeh yaqeen hai k aap se kitaabat kii Ghalatii huii aur aap ne baag-e-baadshaahii [baadshaahat kii lagaam/Dor] likhnaa chaahaa hogaa. yeh jaise likhaa huaa hai vaise to Hindi kaa lafz "bhaag" ba_ma'nii "qismat" huaa jo yaqeenan maqsood nahiiN rahaa hogaa.

aapke is misr'e meN zabaan kaa masalah Haa'il hai:

chhup kar sar unke kaTaa diye gaye

yahaN lafz "kaTaa" saHeeH nahiiN hai...aap jo kahnaa chaahte haiN uske liye aapko lafz "kaTvaa" musta'mil karnaa hogaa. yeh andaaz-e-bayaan Ghalat-ul-aam aur Ghalat-ul-awaam donoN hii hai.

taHreer thaa naam jin par mire dushmanoN kaa

ek baar phir zabaan kii laGhzish huii aap se...yahaN, taHreer kaa lafz jo aapne musta'mil kiyaa hai vo mauzooN nahiIN hai bal k iske 'ivaz "raqam" lafz behtar hogaa...AUR...lafz-e-"PAR" ko lafz-e-"meN" se mutaabaadil kar deN to merii naaqis raaye meN behtar hogaa.

"Gul-Shaad!" vo peR bhii to kaTaa diye gaye

awwal to yeh k aap apnaa taKhallus roman urdu meN zaahir kiyaa kareN jaise use aise "---" yaa phir :---: aise raqam kiyaa kareN. yahaN bhii vohii masalah dar-pesh hai jiskii tauzeeH o tausee' pahle kar chukaa huN...lafz "kaTaa" kaa iste'maal dusrust nahiiN hai :(

agar aapko merii koii baat naa-gawaar guzrii ho to maiN aapse mo'aafii kii darKhowaast kartaa huN. ummeed hai k mere dostaana mashwaraat ko usii partav meN leNge. shukria.

[Hussain76]

Re: Wafaoon ke deep sab

[quote=SherAli;902473]

Dear Shair Ali Sahib
Muje pehly bar boht khoshi hoi k app ne meri atni sari rehnmai ki hay.aur muje bora tab lagta agr app ghalt hoty.main app ko bata chalon jahan main rehta hoon wahan na koi islah karny wala hay na taseh.main bas apni soch se lekhta hoon.ab tak muje koi ustad bhi nahi mila.shayad yahi meri bad qismati hay, app ka boht boht shokria k app ne meri poetry parhi aur mazeed app se gozarish hay app zaror meri poetry aur meri rehnami karain ,app ka mashokor rahoon ga.

[Hussain76]

Re: Wafaoon ke deep sab

bohot khoob :thmbup:

Shokria janab app ka