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"* As you get older three things happen. The first is your memory goes, and I can't remember the other two...* "**
Sir Norman Wisdom**
"* One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even bargain costs money. *"* *
Edgar Watson Howe**
"* A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!* "**
Doug Larson**
"* A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie!* " **
Eric Bolton
"*When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. *"* *
Erno Philips**
"* I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.* "**
Robert Paul**
"* We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. *
Phyllis Diller*
"*Laughter is the closest distance between two people.* "**
Victor Borge*
"* Start every day with a smile and get it over with. *"**
W.C. Fields*
"* Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. *"**
Will **Rogers*
"* Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. *"* *
Mickey Rooney*
"* Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.* " **
Tim Allen
"* I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. *"*
Woody Allen*
"* Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. *"**
Erica Jong*
"* Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. *"**
Elbert Hubbard*
"* Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. *
Wendell Johnson*
"* In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. *"**
Joey Adams*
"* I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. *"**
Henry Youngman**
"* Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ?* "**
Benny Hill*
Sir Norman Wisdom**
"* One of the most difficult things in the world is to convince a woman that even bargain costs money. *"* *
Edgar Watson Howe**
"* A true friend is one who overlooks your failures and tolerates your success!* "**
Doug Larson**
"* A harmful truth is always better then...a useful lie!* " **
Eric Bolton
"*When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realized that Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me. *"* *
Erno Philips**
"* I only go to work on days that don't end in a 'y'.* "**
Robert Paul**
"* We spend the first twelve months of our children's liv! es teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up. *
Phyllis Diller*
"*Laughter is the closest distance between two people.* "**
Victor Borge*
"* Start every day with a smile and get it over with. *"**
W.C. Fields*
"* Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. *"**
Will **Rogers*
"* Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. *"* *
Mickey Rooney*
"* Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work or prison.* " **
Tim Allen
"* I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens. *"*
Woody Allen*
"* Advice is what we ask for when we already know the answer but wish we didn't. *"**
Erica Jong*
"* Don't take life too seriously, you'll never get out of it alive. *"**
Elbert Hubbard*
"* Always and never are two words you should always remember never to use. *
Wendell Johnson*
"* In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out. *"**
Joey Adams*
"* I've been in love with the same woman for forty-one years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me. *"**
Henry Youngman**
"* Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born ?* "**
Benny Hill*
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